Realizations

This is going to be personal. Last week I went to a theater performance by Micha Wertheim, called ‘Somewhere else’. About people in other places. Not being there where you are. If you are Dutch and get a change to see it. Do that. But that is not what this post is about. In talking to my friend after the performance I came to a realization that only just now verbalized this morning while I was writing in my journal.

I came to realize that I am in some kind of mourning proces. I have lost a friendship some months ago and realized that it is not coming back. I realized it’s not coming back and this might be one in a series to come of ‘firsts’ or maybe even better ‘last’. First loss of friend. Loss of people, loss of things, friendships. Capacity and or capability. Maybe it comes with this age. Maybe it comes with the choices that I made. In the past or in the present.

These past couple of days I have been trying to return to my morning routine. Getting up early with my biological alarmclock. This morning I succeeded again and started to reflect, see things, to contemplate. And that feels good. Much had been written about the positive effects of early rising, developing a morning routine, journalling.

Getting up early gives you time to think. Write things down. It gets personal, but also clear. To yourself. Maybe also for others. Which is great. Somehow when I write this I think about who reads this. And I can sense a feeling of loss. But sometimes also of pride and amazement.

These last few days I saw visitors from South Korea and Brazil. I find that amazing. That somehow I can reach somebody across the globe. That for some reason they ended up on one of these pages. I cherish that thought. But also acknowledging the fact that some things are inevitable. Choices with consequences. The roads that you take.

I started to write these words on paper and had no real intention of putting them up here. But then for some reason I thought that somebody might benefit from them and decided to go digital.